The last time Chuck Norris cooked dinner... Jesus and
the disciples had reservations.
I'm not good at cooking, so lets go out sometime!
There once was a girl who kept being followed by bread
and pastry chefs wearing cooks hats.
She asked her girlfriend if she could tell her why the
breadmakers were following her.
Her girlfriend told her you really need to do something
about that yeast infection.
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff
falls out, BOOM, another taco.
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The
next, you're toast.
Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a
surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
My annual performance review says I lack "passion &
intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted
better than Adam's banana
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much
have you been drinking?
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?" Me: "I've just
always been very passionate about not starving to
Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner"
and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually,
it's more of a rap.
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And
Cannibals like to meat people.
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the
family because, "Everyone just eats it."
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an
'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when
you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you
will be 1% nachos!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot
to wrap his whopper!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the
teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck
in a mason jar.
If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't
recommend parenting highly enough.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy
entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I
could die on my own terms.
Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural,
but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs
feel like jelly.
"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut
You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone
said cheese I said "WHERE"?
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be
thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies.
That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything
makes it an antidepressant.
My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at
the donuts somebody brings into the office later that
I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet
for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.
Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available
because they make you get out of the car.
It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but
I'm really thinking, "close your menu or the waiter will
never come over."
Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know
nothing of Mexican food?
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of
bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Girl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?)
Cause I want to take your top off.
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
I'm Only Here For The Free Food